The late
fall, chock full of feasts and festivities, can be the happiest time of the
year for most families – or the most depressing for families who have suffered
great loss. The holiday season, while an emotional challenge for grieving
adults, is even more isolating and distressing for grieving children caught in
the rough and tumble of sadness and celebration. That is why, this year, Children’s
Grief Awareness Day falls on November 17 - exactly one week before Thanksgiving
– in the hope of helping us all become more understanding
of the needs of grieving children and of the benefits they obtain through the
support of others.
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| November 17, 2016 |
“The onslaught of family holidays
and ritual can be very difficult, one holiday after the other,” says Johanna D. Sagarin, PhD., program director of The Carriage House, a grief support center for 3-to-18-years-olds
and their families in Worcester County. “Even preverbal (children) grieve,” says
Sagarin. They know by their sense of smell” that a parent is not there.
Sagarin recalls a teenager who
attended one of The Carriage Houses’ support groups whose parent died when she
was three. Over a decade later the teen still grieved, even though she had no
clear memories of her deceased parent. Before they graduate from high school, one child out of every 20
children will have a parent die—and that number doesn't include those who
experience the death of a brother or sister, a close grandparent, an aunt or
uncle, or friend.
I know only too well about the added
stress grieving children face during the holidays. Eighteen years ago my
husband underwent heart surgery the week before Thanksgiving. Two weeks later
he died from an unforeseen complication. My daughter and son (then 13 and 11)
and I faced his tragic passing in shock and with insurmountable sadness. Our
mail deliveries may best serve as a symbol for our emotional turmoil as we
received get-well cards, sympathy cards, and Christmas cards simultaneously,
through early December. No Thanksgiving to Christmas stretch has ever been the
same since, nor will be. But we survived and continue to survive. This would
not have been possible without the ongoing support of family, friends, and
programs like those offered by The Carriage House.
Mackenzie Ryan found comfort in the
support group she attended there while a student at Wachusett Regional High
School in Holden, MA. She especially liked the monthly candle ceremony where she
lit a candle in memory of her father along with other children honoring their
loved one. “That had a big impact on me to know that I was not alone. I found
out it was okay to be different,” Mackenzie said in an article in The Landmark last year.
A
subsidiary of Children’s Friend Inc., The Carriage House’s bi-weekly support
groups are held during the school year – at no cost – for area children who
have lost a parent, caregiver, or sibling. Staff and volunteers who have
received training in grief support for young people facilitate the sessions. I’m
proud to say my daughter Emily oversees the training.
Director Sagarin says we can best help
grieving children year-round by expressing concern about how they feel and the
loss they suffered. She suggests that we convey the message to the child that
we can handle whatever the child needs to express about what he/she is going
through. We should not feel we have “to fix” their sadness, just
unconditionally support the child. Sagarin also suggests encouraging the child
to “set the tenor of the household,” during the holidays, whether it be
repeating past rituals or establishing new ones.
For those of us who wish to do more,
The Carriage House trains volunteers to facilitate support groups for “littles”
(three to six-year-olds), “middles” (seven to twelve-year-olds) and “teens,” two
or three times a year. Volunteers commit 3 ½ hours, every- other week to the
program that runs September to June.
For more information contact The Carriage House
by emailing info@childrensfriend.org or
phoning (508)753- 5425. The Carriage House, a subsidiary of Children’s Friend,
is located at 21 Cedar Street, Worcester, MA 01609.
